The best cover letter ever written in the history of the universe

The following is thieved wholesale from here.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to further discuss my qualifications with you. I’ve done a lot of research on your organization, and I must say that I’m certainly very interested in the position.

While my undergraduate studies centered primarily on philosophy and literature, I know that I have what it takes to successfully take on a barely-supervised and structurally obsolete entry-level position such as the one you’re seeking to fill. First of all, I am very good at walking upright and in a straight line. I can do both actually, simultaneously. When I walk down a corridor from an elevator to one desk amid a sea of desks in a gray, sterile maze of cubicles, there is no doubt in any observer’s mind that I am, in fact, a person who is employed to give the appearance of performing significant tasks—my gait is clearly that purposeful.

I don’t blame you for wondering how research and writing in contemporary French hermeneutics might have prepared me for being an assistant database manager, but I believe that I can assuage some of your doubts by letting you know that I have always had a latent interest in tracking American consumer trends in single-serving freeze-dried soup packets, and I would relish the opportunity to explore this interest in a bland, suppressive, dehumanizing environment. Additionally, I’ve always picked up new software platforms quickly and competently, and I know that—given just a little bit of time to get familiar with the freeze-dried soup numbers game—I would be a valuable asset to Database Department 17, Subdivision 12.

The only character trait that I exhibit that might constitute a weakness in performing the duties of this position is my strong, personal commitment to sending e-mails to my boyfriend and playing Flash-driven online video games on an hourly basis, but I promise that if you offer me the position I will do my best to conceal these activities from you as much as possible. I am willing to go so far as to prepare love notes as inter-office memo text files and to furrow my brow in the manner of fierce concentration while playing rip-off versions of Tetris and Frogger.

I’ve sincerely enjoyed talking with you today. I especially enjoyed nodding with faux interest at your enthusiastic and glaringly mendacious description of a vibrant and embracing corporate culture. Pardon me for being frank, but let me say that—and I mean this only to ingratiate myself into securing health insurance benefits—you are a skilled orator. Have you considered, perhaps, a second career in motivational speaking?

Before we part ways, would it be too forward to ask if you have an approximate idea of when you’ll be making your hiring decision? Would it be appropriate, or more convenient for you, if I called shortly after that date? Assuming that I do not soon check myself into a state-funded substance abuse rehabilitation program or am not made any other offer of employment whatsoever, I would be thrilled to become the newest member of your team.


Best regards,
B.D.S.

You should read more of her blog, it's super with a light dusting of fantastic.

Missing my old happy-hour pard'ner,

- Mr. Ed